Head Over Heart, Mind Over Matter & Other Mind-Boggling Phenomena

You might be wondering why, following months of ranting and complaining about how much I hate optometry, I crossed over to the dark side and ran smack bang into the heart of the optometry field by joining Specsavers. Honest to God, it wasn't planned. In my last uni-related post, my head and heart were all over the place. I was hating life, hating optometry, and hating the prospect of my future. It made it really hard to study for winter exams. My focus was far from my degree and when I sat down to revise, it was with the mentality of "I don't care if I fail this year because I'm dropping out of optometry at the end of it." I was sliding down a very real slippery slope. Once my mind grabbed hold of the idea of dropping out to pursue biochemistry, it gripped it tight and didn't let go. I was consumed by the thought of leaving optometry behind. I was geared up to apply for biochem positions - from jobs to graduate internships to training programmes. I was simply waiting for exams to just be done with so that I could put together my applications and change my career path.

Then the unthinkable happened. And I remember this night so vividly because it changed everything. I was in one of my semi-rages (after a bad day of revision) and I was ranting to my mum about how I was applying for biochem jobs and that I was so done with optometry, and in that maddeningly calm manner of hers, she says "okay Kauser, where are you going to find this job?". And then she left the room. I was fuming. Fuming that she wouldn't take me seriously, fuming that she couldn't understand how frustrated I was with my life. So I furiously started typing into my laptop and I spent a good hour poring over websites, job descriptions, career paths. My God was it fruitless. It was like an endless ocean of uncertainties that was leaving me with a very vague picture of my future. And that's when I actually just sat, and logically thought about the options I had in front of me, weighing up pros and cons, and realised that I was in the best position I could be in. It hit, with the power of an avalanche, that optometry was well and truly the right decision that I had made so many months ago.

It was maybe too little too late for my winter exams, but it wasn't too late to salvage the future that once upon a time, I had thought was the worst possible one I could have been destined for. I have spent months fighting it. I can't explain what I was going through, but I had a world of pent-up frustration in me that was swallowing me like a black hole. I was so angry. 

I was angry at my parents for forcing me to keep studying optometry, I was angry at myself for applying for it in the first place, I was angry at the people in my life because they couldn't even begin to understand an iota of what I was feeling, or what was going through my mind. I felt alone in dealing with my own personal hell. I lost a lot of faith. I was grappling at rock bottom, scraping the bottom of the barrel for a shred of peace or patience or the faith that was slipping out of my hands like sand, and I was struggling. Some days I felt like I was going insane. The thoughts, the confusion, the uncertainty - it was destroying me.

That fateful night, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. It was like all the voices in my head went silent. All the confusion vanished in an instance. I surrendered to the quiet of acceptance and I felt like I had figured it out - that I am where I am meant to be. It's funny how much faith that knowledge gave me. I stopped fighting what I couldn't change nor control, and accepted that whilst it's not the life I had originally wanted or imagined, it is what it is. And it's actually crazy how much my life looked up when my perspective changed. I saw things in a whole new light - and the craziest part of it all? Studying optometry felt right. It just did.

 وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ

|   But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And God Knows, while you know not - Holy Quran, 2:216

The second I stopped fighting it, the happier I became. Don't get me wrong, I still don't fully enjoy optometry. I still miss biochemistry and want a future in it, and sometime in the distant future, I hope to go back to it. But for so many reasons, that if I were to list, this post would be longer than it already is, optometry is the right career path for me and I'm determined to be the best optometrist that I can be. Uni is a little more bearable - I do hate the social side of it and I do hate uni in general, but I've stopped resenting my degree and what the future holds. I've made my decision and since then, I've stopped looking back. Yes, there will be moments where it exhausts me and tests me and maybe there'll be moments where I'll think that dropping out would have saved me a hell of a lot of pain, but for what it's worth, I'll always know and understand that optometry is what's right for me.

|   & after breaking, we realise that destiny has a different opinion, which doesn't resemble our dreams

I couldn't no longer care about my degree or future after that. So when I was emailed about a Specsavers optical assistant vacancy, I applied for it in the spur-of-the-moment, the night before an exam because I had nothing to lose, and what do you know, I got the position on the day of my interview. I wasn't expecting it. I was up against second and third year optometry students who have a wealth of experience, but Speccies surprised me. And I'm loving the job! I guess it's true - things will fall into place when you least expect it.

The cherry on the cake was then seeing my friend get married. She's the first of us to get hitched so it was an incredibly exciting (and emotional) time. I got to spend more time with my girls than I usually do in a year *gasp* and it felt amazing. Seeing them everyday felt like old times, like no time has passed at all...

Withdrawal kicked in hard! I miss them like crazy anyway, but the Monday after the wedding weekend, I was definitely feeling the blues. It still feels surreal to know that one of us is married. It's such a life-changing moment - it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that she's starting the newest, most monumental chapter of her life. And it's so exciting to see her message in the Whatsapp group! Haha we're bursting to know the little details of her new life and it's also so lovely to hear how happy she is. You witness something so beautiful and innocent, and you can't help but appreciate what truly matters in this small, meaningless world. It was inspiring as it was fun and exciting and wonderful. And it's the fun and exciting and wonderful moments that make life worthwhile.