Night Before Nerves

I'm too old to be doing this going-to-uni-for-the-first-time thing.

Yes, tomorrow is THE day. The day I start my new degree (new degree? I mean second degree) and get inspired and find my life's passion and discover myself...yada yada yada. It's basically the day I begin to slowly kill myself as I commit myself to another four years of study. And I'm too nervous to be excited.

I remember my first day of uni three years ago when I was a young eighteen year old, naive and blissfully unaware of the trauma that a degree subjects you to. I also distinctly remember it being excruciatingly painful; those cringey introductions where you say three interesting facts about yourself (when you're a hermit like myself, this is difficult beyond belief), the awkward small-talk you're inundated with as you meet far too many new people, and the panic that slowly rises with each handout you are given, telling you in meticulous detail what your course entails. The latter, I think I'll be immune to. Three years of lab reports and essays and dissecting protein structures with Pymol numbs the mind to anything intellectually difficult that induces panic.

Am I worried about the course? No. At the risk of sounding awfully obnoxious, I feel like it'll be a piece of cake after med biochem. I'm going from studying twenty different diseases at the molecular level per module per year, to focusing on the physiology and anatomy of the eye for three years straight - throw in a few clinics and free contact lenses, it'll be a breeze. (Totally over-simplified that, but you get the gist); it should be a smooth transition. Naturally, I'm at an advantage because I know how uni works, I know how to pace my work, and I know how to kill a beast exam period (and by that I mean cramming a year's worth of work into three weeks of revision).

I'm at a disadvantage because I'm as socially awkward and reserved as I was three flippin' years ago. The idea of doing first year all over again, having to re-do intros and flit from person to person until I find someone to survive lectures with, finding my feet again from scratch with a new course and new people, it all feels so tediously long. I kind of wish I could fast forward all the awkward moments and skip to a few months ahead. Then again, my life is a series of awkward moments so maybe my wishful thinking is far too wishful.

I'm wary. I think that's the most accurate word to describe my current state of mind. I'm not sure how I'll feel about the course and how it's going to pan out, but I'm kind of excited to be back in studying mode and going back to what I love the most. And after my accommodation fell through, forcing me to make the decision to commute every day by train, the uni life I'm imagining now is worlds away from the uni life I was imagining a few months ago. I'm excited to be doing that too though - it'll be a whole lot different to living away from home, but it's an experience in its own. Imagine how many books I'll get read!

I guess there's nothing I can do but wait it out and simply see how it goes. From rising before the sun in order to catch an early enough train to make it to Birmingham in time for a 9am lecture, to the horrifying prospect of being a uni newbie at the grand old age of 21, coupled with the nerves/anxiety that are making me want to quit the course before it's even started, my nerves are totally beating excitement to the punch. And I'm ever so slightly, kind of really, drowning in the fear of the unknown.