An Ode to the Scientist
19:45“It’s time you change your bio, dearest”
my husband says one night
because blogging about life in the twenties
is now about a decade behind
and as much as I would love to scold his tongue in cheek
I cannot disagree
though I am yet to change the bio.
Ten years it has been
since the birth of this blog
and my God what a ten years it has been
but there is no need to marvel
you have, after all, read and felt it all
are probably familiar with my musings
and likely wondering when my fingers would find the figurative typewriter
once again
And so, yes, much is to be caught up on
heavy, has 2023/2024 been
in many good ways…and other not so many good ways
See, Pride beamed happy
when I beheld my greatest accomplishment
and memorised the final chapter of the Holy Quran
nine years of that journey filled my heart with so much gratification
my journey of growth, and peace, and dedication to His beautiful book
came to an end…but also, has only just started
because now begins the lifetime journey of remembering
and my heart carries the weight of responsibility
that my mind owes it to always fulfil
but it is mine to hold forever more
and there are no words
no words
to describe the feeling of that last recitation
and now, it is mine. To hold and protect.
Grief, she screamed loud shortly after
when my beloved grandmother breathed her last
and I have never experienced loss before
this was a loss that unearthed childhood memories and a nostalgia
that no one but myself and my brother share
Her home
so full of mischief and delicious food
always our favourites
and the distinct fragrance of her cooking enriched with traditional spices
and the warmth of her love
and the familiarity of her frail hands and her gentle pottering around her home
the roar of the fire she loved to keep burning
because cold she always was
and I think I inherited that from her
alongside her sweet tooth and the love for a Cadbury Wholenut
which is still my favourite chocolate to this day
her humorous scolding because
we simply do not eat enough
and her indignation at how my head was always buried in a book
and how my brother simply could not sit still
or stop bothering his sister
all carried away by the wind
in the middle of a wintery February night
and there I stood on wet ground a few days later
shivering beneath the grey clouds and cold rain
staring at the small mound of mud that lay over her grave six feet under
and I could only pray with every fibre of my being
that she had taken her light and warmth with her
that she was surrounded by the fragrance of Paradise
missing us, like we missed her,
but not really
because she had found herself in a better place.
On the day of her funeral
my little cousin told me she was going to the grocery store to get some snacks
and she asked me if I wanted anything
"chocolate", I teased
and she said what kind
"surprise me", I flippantly replied
and she came back with a Cadbury Wholenut
sheer chance, coincidence,
because she most definitely did not know the sentiment that bar of chocolate holds
surprise me, she did
and when she handed it to me
I choked back a sob
and felt my heart break straight down the middle.
Faith, she sat quietly in the back of the room
rocking quietly in her chair
observant
never scolding when I did not pay her attention
did not mind when the chaos in my heart took over
while I was wedding planning for my little brother
or traveling in my favourite city in the whole world
with my favourite person
or building my dream forever home with him
she waited, patiently
for my heart to quieten
for me to feel her absence
or rather,
for me to feel how I have been neglecting her presence
waved hi to her five times a day
but rushed and half hearted
my mind elsewhere when I said good morning and good night
running at 100mph while she was a mere afterthought
amidst all else that demanded my attention
she needed my attention the most though, no?
or rather,
I needed her the most
and so I ran ran ran to her
thousands of miles away
in a Holy City where she is not at the back of the room
but rather,
she takes centre stage
Grand, in black and gold
a symbol of redemption and forgiveness
a vessel of rekindled hope
and my heart
when I stand in awe and humility before her
it aches and aches and aches
as it tethers to her
and silently begs her to never let go.
Gratitude, she stood tall and proud
remains tall and proud
at all that life has to behold
sometimes tidal waves of emotion
dizzying highs and extreme lows
but always a constant thrum
of marveling at how God gives and takes
but even when taking, He is giving
and in every moment
there can be found an answered prayer
if only one looks hard enough
and, sometimes,
a quiet moment to write
and reflect
and wonder
how over the span of ten years
a little writing space on the internet
has documented so much...
and in another ten years how much more there is to come
and how, a young girl
blogging in her twenties
is now blogging in her thirties
and twenty-something year old me would be proud
of all she has conquered and achieved
how different she is now,
but also how very much the same
she still loves to write
on the internet, mainly
she still fills her bookcases with more books than they can hold
and she still prefers books to people
but now she can convince people she enjoys their company!
can hold a social interaction seamlessly
can enter a room full of people and not want it to swallow her up
she still chooses coffee over tea
still misses her brother and reminsices over their childhood
sometimes
still wishes she could have a midnight car therapy session with her best friend
still wants her mum's company, every day,
and still wishes for her dad's daily dinnertime entertainment
but now she has built her forever home
with her person
and she carries her people differently, now
in tiny little pockets of her home
that fill her heart with light
she has a voice, now
no longer is a people pleaser
doesn't double or triple think things through when faced with the unknown
is selfish when it matters
but is slowly mastering the art of selflessness,
where it matters
is comfortable with boundaries
is finally happy...
has found her balance and is in her element
and has found everything she spent her twenties searching for.
So, an ode
to the still socially awkward scientist
who found her name when writing about a now-distant memory
of lab science and blood analyses
and talked all things medical from eyes to teeth
but who found herself along the way
in writing her life
and is still, writing her life.
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