Strings, Attached

He wins

every time you comb through the conversations

script-perfect in your mind, memorised with painstaking detail

mulling over the coffee dates and dinner nights

dissecting his honeyed words that make the teeth ache at the injustice of their insincerity

pulling apart the threads of the sentences he strung together

to keep you wrapped around his little finger

playing you like a marionette

too entranced by the sight of his dancing fingers

to register the deceit.

And you obsess over his facade, his careful charade that had you fooled

his illusions an act of magic that blew your mind into a realm of fantasy

and you can't get over how you got it so wrong

because you had started to give pieces of your heart away

that you had sworn to always protect

and you hate yourself for ever believing he was a worthy keeper.




He wins

when the vulnerability he gently unfurled in the space of one night

gives him the power to make your heart constrict when he says no

and you let yourself believe that his rejection

can only mean that you are not enough

and that's when the shutters come down

the steel walls go up

and you barricade that heart in a stone cold prison cell

and throw away the key

promising to never again let someone bail it out.



He wins

when you tell yourself that you won't find someone like him again

someone who let you be yourself

without having to apologise for it

someone who looked like the soulmate you'd have written for yourself

and felt like the human manifestation of the prayers you had made for said soulmate

and God did you like him

so much

because it was easy and natural and felt like the beginning of something

and enjoying his company was a rare thing you thought couldn't exist

and he let you believe he felt the same

only to then have the rug pulled out from under you

when he tells you that it wasn't enough.



And you feel like the world's biggest fool

because the secrets he was concealing behind that smile

and the musings he carefully masked with his jokes

and the mixed signals he threw your way

with his casual compliments, easy teasing, borderline flirting

and the feelings resonating behind his sweet gestures

will forever remain a mystery.

And he wins when your mind plays them over

scrutinising them for the signs you missed and the red flags you ignored

the hints that maybe you were starting to fall

for the game he was playing

and you wonder why you didn't catch on

that you were just a pawn on his chessboard

and then you wonder why you even have to wonder that at all

and then starts the spiral of doubt and cynicism and the bitter tirade

and this is when he truly wins

because now you have convinced yourself that this is how it will always be

that you will always be played for the fool

and you'll be damned if you let yourself be entered for round two.



He wins

when you lose faith

in yourself

and in everything you have been praying for

and your heart is no longer feeling it

or believing in it

and your actual soulmate deserves better

because when you meet him

it won't be the confident, cocky attitude that has you falling head over heels

but he'll be just as nervous as you

just as tentative

and just the right touch of terrified

of the cosmic connection you know isn't in your head

not this time




and that's when you know


that you win.




You won when he walked away from you and made space for the one who is everything he was

and so much more

because he was just a shadow of the real thing

and my God was the real thing worth the wait

and you were always going to win

because he wasn't deserving of you

or ready for you

his hands not worthy

of touching the something-special in your heart that makes you, you

he was never the one

destined to shift the atoms of your Universe

and he wasn't the one

whose footsteps would match yours

his heart and soul and stars

not written to be aligned with yours

because you are worth more than everything you thought he was


And it’s why it's time to call checkmate

and dethrone his crown

because it wasn't a game for you.

But you win, anyway.