A Conversation With God
21:30
He calls five times a day. I ignore the commandment to talk.
When He calls in the morning, I sleep in.
It goes to voicemail in the afternoon.
I lose the signal in the evening.
And cannot connect when I watch the sun set.
I have an early night and am in half slumber when the call comes through at night.
Truth is, I don't really feel like talking to Him.
I am stewing in bitterness, resentment, frustration. And I need someone to blame.
I guess I'm rebelling - but why does it feel like I am the only one losing.
He is too graceful, too merciful to call me out on my silence.
He doesn't stop calling. And I don't stop ignoring.
But the silence is gnawing at me, so much so, that I fear it's going to swallow me whole.
I feel His absence more than He likely feels mine.
And yet.
He doesn't stop calling.
I don't stop ignoring.
With each cycle of night and day, I lose myself
My faith waning with the waning of the moon.
I tried to talk to Him last night.
I could hear Him listening. Not saying a word, just waiting.
But I didn't quite know what to say. So I hung up.
And didn't dare try again.
Shame has taken root, replacing the anger with something much deeper and so much more hurtful.
A numbing realisaton that I am not worthy to be listened to. Not worthy for forgive-and-forget.
His messages say otherwise.
He reminds me that He is the most forgiving. The most merciful.
That indeed He is near and that He listens - and answers.
He always answers.
And I know that the wavering connection I am trying to rekindle is no fault of His but fault only of my own.
Because He never left. I just drifted.
Take one step towards me and I will take ten towards you. Walk towards me and I will run towards you, He says.
And my hardened heart cracks.
The tightness in my chest eases.
His call reverberates through my heart
My soul raising its sleepy head when the melody of His words filters through
And when I finally, finally answer His call, I am home.
I am home.
I am home.
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