Light at the End of the Tunnel

It feels almost surreal to be sitting here in my room typing out this post on the other side of three years that I thought I would never get through. Isn't hindsight the most wonderful thing? I realise that  after almost a year of not touching on it (for the sake of my own sanity and also because final year occupied any free time I had to breathe), I'm back writing about the thing I have been writing (complaining?) about with a yo-yo status for the last few years. That is, of course, life as a student optometrist. Or, soon-to-be pre-reg optometrist. Because yes readers, much to my surprise (dismay?) and likely to the surprise of you all, I graduated! Shocker, I know. Who would have thought, ey?

I guess this means I'm in it for the long haul! Committed 100% to the profession of optometry. Yeah, right. But for now, I am. Semi. Can we say 50%? Okay, let's push it to 60%. *insert upside-down-face emoji here*

There's still a way to go. It's a journey that's far from over, but it's a journey that's come a hell of a lot further than I thought it would. If you've been a reader for as long as I've been studying optometry, it's no secret how much I struggled with it. And then felt halfway optimistic/okay with it. Only to then struggle with it again. It came, if I'm brutally honest, with more lows than it did highs. I fought with my parents to drop out, I rebelled against the idea of following the career through and I stopped wanting to get up in the morning because I hated it that much. The fear of the job I was trapping myself into, swallowed me whole. And here I am, well and truly trapped! But for the first time in three years, I am close to the end. And that's what this journey was all about. Powering through three years to get the cap on my head until I only had to power through one more year (and a bit) to actually get to the end. And then maybe I can start to write my story in a new direction. Or keep it going in the same one, who even knows at this point.

Because if there is anything I have learnt, not just over the course of this degree but life in general, it's that life has a funny way of not turning out the way you wanted. Or imagined. Or hoped. But that doesn't mean that it can't be just as wonderful. 

Not that mine is, you know, wonderful as such. I mean, that would be pushing it (to say the least). But it's okay. It is what it is. And sometimes, that is enough. 

I still don't agree with settling. Be that a job or a university degree or a significant other. I still believe that when you know you deserve so much more from life, you should do everything in your power to fight for it. You owe your dreams that much. But I also believe that, sometimes, you just have to bide your time. You might not know or understand where the journey is taking you and my God can it be the most frustrating, heartbreaking thing in the world, but trust it. Trust the journey. Know when you're settling, and know when something is just the stepping stone to the thing that is more. 

Sometimes, we can hate something so much despite knowing all the ways in which it is right for us...I think that's the hardest curve ball life can throw. And we channel so much energy into fighting it that we forget that it's almost easier to embrace it. Know when to give up the fight. Some things are simply so far out of our control. And sometimes, you just have to ride the wave before it drowns you. 

|   the only way out, is through

I think, that in so many ways, ploughing through optometry was the hardest thing I've had to go through. Because, for so long, I couldn't see the bigger picture. Or refused to see it. And is that really so different? Me graduating hasn't taken away the fact that I don't enjoy it, or that it still reads as a foreign language to me. I think that it'll remain to be the hardest part of my life for the foreseeable future. The only difference is that I'm somewhat on the other side. With a little bit of hindsight, faith and the patience of a saint. Well, not really. I'm still praying on that last one. But. If I could get through three years of hell, I think I can get through another three. (Let's hope it doesn't stretch to that long, hey.)

The silver lining is always there. You just have to squint hard enough to see it. (See what I did there? No? Never mind.) Whatever life throws at you, the setbacks, the difficult choices, the struggles, have faith that one day you'll be looking back from the other side thinking "hey, I made it". It might not be unfolding according to your plan, but what do you and I know about planning anyway? The different plan has been written by a greater planner and I think it's safe to say that our small minds couldn't comprehend the hows or whys. We'll never know, why, even after praying for it time and time again, God still keeps certain things from us. We'll only know that some things are just never meant to be. Or are meant to be, just not now. And that it's still a life infinitely better than one we'd write for ourselves.

|   it could all be in the palm of your hands but still not written for you

My optometry life - and, by extension, this blog - has some journey ahead. I know beyond measure that my pre-reg will be the most gruelling year (and a bit) I will ever experience. I know that it will break me and make me pull my hair out five days a week and I will lose the little sanity I have left. I know it'll hit me with full force, just how much I hate this profession. I'm not excited nor looking forward to it, nor do I have any hope for it. I know that it will put me through the grinder and there will probably be nothing left of me when I'm through. I also know that you'll read all about it on here. After all, what kind of writer would I be if I left out all the gory details? There is so much still to come. But, for now, I made it. And that is enough.