Angels & Demons

In the last week, I've had three instances where me not wearing the religious headscarf - the hijab - became an issue for people I have never talked to, people who I have never met, people who are totally random strangers. In my twenty two years of not wearing it, a time-frame in which I attended a faith school and made my closest friends who today are well-learned in the faith and actually teach it, never have I been made to feel targeted for my choice to not wear it. I have never had someone forcefully tell me to wear it, and beyond that, have them make me feel like an undeserving person of faith. And yet this week, I had a stranger do exactly that.

As a young Muslim woman, I am fully aware that I should be wearing the hijab. It is something that crosses my mind every single day. I am not flaunting my hair on the streets, completely disregarding my religious duty and not caring that I am bypassing one of the most fundamental aspects of my faith. I am hyper-aware of it. But I am not perfect. I have my flaws and mistakes, I have my struggles, as does every other person living on this earth. I will never understand why some people take the moral high ground and without knowledge of someone's inner battles and the wars that rage on the inside, judge how well they are living by their faith.

Me not wearing the hijab doesn't make me a lesser Muslim than somebody who does wear it. I can still be a good Muslim and not wear a scarf on my head. There are sins that I commit - and not wearing a scarf is one of them - that others don't commit, but likewise, there are also sins that they probably commit that I don't. And I am in no way defending myself or justifying my wrong-doings, but I am trying to convey the fact that it doesn't define my status as a Muslim. Neither you, nor I, nor anybody else can sit there and judge someone else's religious worth based off the little we see or know of them. Everyone has their scale of deeds, the good and the bad that stack up behind closed doors, that remain unknown to every other soul and remain a secret between them and God. And if God Himself is reserving judgement for Judgement Day, then what right do we have to deliver that judgement?

|   "Don't judge someone just because they sin differently to you"

I'm not proud of the fact that I don't adorn the hijab but it is a choice and one that I, and I alone, will be held accountable for. I will be the first to admit that it is something I am struggling with. Finding that strength to wear it is absolutely something that I struggle with but it's a personal struggle. My spiritual journey, my relationship with God, my expression of faith is personal. Everyone else is an outsider looking in and anything they see through that small glass window is not a picture-perfect reflection of my life. The perceived good or bad we see a person do is just a snapshot; we have no knowledge of their silent prayers and silent sins, their hidden vices and secret victories, their private struggles with the devils that play reckless and their untold stories that lie between the lines of their past. Tell me then, how we can deem someone as worthy or unworthy in the eyes of God.

There's the saying: "hate the act, not the person". Separate the two. Because an act does not define a person or the entirety of their faith. Note that I am not saying accept a wrongdoing as okay. What is right will always be right and what is wrong will always be wrong. There are no loopholes or justifications and saying "only God can judge me" is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to justify choices or actions. What I am saying though, is don't think you are a better person in the books of God when you see someone falter in their faith because it may well be that they are genuinely struggling with it. There are secret battles that we are all fighting and sometimes, we are just waiting on a little glimmer of guidance or inspiration. And if you are privileged enough to have conquered one of those battles, go out and inspire someone who is still fighting it. Because if that stranger who told me that I was deprived of blessings because I don't wear a headscarf had gently wondered why I don't wear it and offered me kind words of advice and encouragement and secretly prayed for me to wear it, be proud of it, and own it, she might very well have seen me the next day wearing it with pride and owning it like a piece of clothing has never been owned before. Instead, she made me second-guess the worth of my faith because I don't cover my hair.

I know we all feel worthless from time to time. We go through phases where we feel weak and undeserving of the blessing that is our faith, and we are so unforgiving of ourselves but to every one of you reading this, your heart is still beating and with every beat comes the chance to do better. Every breath you take signals that you are still fighting the demons that haunt you and that's okay. Because faith is in the struggle, and for as long as you're struggling, God is forgiving.

My message today is to just be better. We can all do a little better. We can keep trying, and be conscious of the fact that every other person out there is also trying so instead of pulling them down, maybe we can try to raise them up. You could be somebody's source of inspiration or means of guidance - always be mindful of that. You could make or break somebody's faith and maybe one day before your time is up, you'll find the inner strength and faith to fight your demons and make your own. I hope that we all do.