Decisions and Doubts

~ Tuesday 22nd July

I'm considering a career change. That probably sounds pretty drastic coming from only two days in the dental department. I don't know what it is, but so far, it's been off-putting. And I'm not so sure it's a career I'm cut out for. The doubts are slowly creeping up on me and they're crippling.

I was in operating theatre today and there was only one patient for the day; she was a 2 1/2 yr old girl who had a lymph tumour so she had a swelling in her left cheek which had to be removed. I'll admit, I had my reservations on watching it; it was hard to see her in the dental chair knowing that in a few minutes she'd be transferred to the operating table. I scrubbed up regardless and I was grateful I was with an American dental student who was there on an exchange programme. It was nice to know I had someone with me who wouldn't be completely emotionally detached to cutting open part of a little girl's face.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard to watch. More so after she practically screamed down the operating room when she was first laid down on the table and she was all alone, surrounded by a bunch of strangers wearing surgical gloves and masks. I just so badly wanted to give her a hug or actually pick her up in my arms and run out of there. But I couldn't. So I stood there and mutely watched as they sedated her, wired her up to the various pieces of equipment and then eventually put the scalpel to her cheek to slowly slice out the tumour then suture the wound.

I'm not sure what it was about the whole procedure; maybe it was the way they desensitised her, covering her from head to toe with only her cheek being exposed that threw me. It wasn't even a major, life-threatening operation, or a horribly messy medical problem, but something about it got to me.

I'm not having a good start am I? Oral surgery tomorrow...I'll have to let you know if that's any better (or worse).

Ooooh! But my parents and brother are landing tomorrow!!! Ahhhh I'm so beyond excited! Like, unbelievably excited, I can't believe that I've gone four whole weeks without them and that I'm so freaking close to seeing them again. It pretty much cancels out my last not-so-great 48 hours.

(Also. I later saw one of the guys walking around with a jar of water in which the tumour was floating - it was an actual ball of cells. A small ball of cells, not even the size of my palm, floating in a jar of water, capable of taking away a life.)

Crazy.